The worst things you can say to a woman after a miscarriage
“My baby wasn’t just cells, a product of conception, it was a little person created from love and it was loved fiercely.”
Four years ago, Laura Flanagan lost her baby at fourteen weeks.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about that time in our lives again, it’s impossible for me not to think about it at this time of year,” she said in her Mama Mia story.
She and her partner announced their pregnancy at 12 weeks, thinking that at that point they were okay.
Laura had some bleeding during the first trimester, but the doctors weren’t able to find from where.
Meanwhile their baby was “growing well, our baby with its tiny, beautiful beating heart who was forming perfectly just the way it should be, waving and sucking it’s thumb in ultrasounds.”
She said that the day they went in for a scan and were unable to locate a heartbeat was for her a recurring nightmare.
“You can’t breathe, it feels like the room is closing in on you, it’s a pain like I could have never imagined.”
“My baby wasn’t just cells, a product of conception, it was a little person created from love and it was loved fiercely. The grief my husband and I felt was consuming. It was the saddest moment of our lives.”
And over the course of her grieving process, she’s heard many well-meaning people imparting equally well-meaning comments, some of them included:
You are still young, there’s plenty of time for more babies
“That doesn’t take away the pain of losing a child. I was lucky and had two beautiful babies that made it earth side but some couples aren’t so lucky,” she argued.
Why are you taking it so hard when you never held the baby?
“You don’t hold air and yet you still know it’s there and you’d know if it wasn’t. Loving something and then losing something isn’t dependent on holding it.”
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At least you know you can get pregnant
“Many woman can get pregnant but that doesn’t mean we can stay pregnant and end up holding those babies in our arms. Sometimes getting pregnant is the easy part (although not for us but that’s a whole other blog).”
It’s natures way
You’ll have more babies
“Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. Even if you do you’ll always grieve the one you lost.”
You should get back on the horse and try for another baby really quickly as you’re so fertile right now
“Fertile maybe but emotionally ready, not even close.”
But Laura doesn’t want to hear any of them. She understands the place from which these words come from, and that it was never meant to inflict further harm, but this doesn’t mean that it’s not hurtful.
“So what can you say to the parents who have lost a baby? The same things you’d say to anyone who has lost someone,” she said.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Is there anything I can do to help?
Would you like to talk?
I’m here any time.
You are in our thoughts.
Your baby won’t ever be forgotten.
Let me make you a cuppa.
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