How trying to "fix" your kids doesn't solve anything
A fixer is someone who tries to make things work. Better yet, someone who tries to make things work better. Could trying to "fix" your kids actually help?
A "fixer" is someone who tries to remedy any situation. Whether that thing is broken or not, a fixer wants to make it work as it should. Moreover--they want it to work better than ever.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to get the most out of something, but sometimes, being a fixer can do more harm than good. For example, when it comes to parenting, trying to fix kids' behavior may be all for naught.
There a few different approaches a fixer might take when trying to "fix" their kids' behavior. One strategy is implementing a "yes day". Wherein, a mum or dad simply gives in to all of their kids' wishes (within reason, of course).
You want it? You've got it--at least for a day.
The goal is to make them happy, and for the temper tantrums to cease. And while--in theory--it sounds like it would work, one mother found that nothing changed. She did all the things that would theoretically please her children. She cooked their favorite food, she took them to the park, they made arts and crafts. You name it, she did it.
"They still whined and cried and screamed. They still felt like they were getting the short end of the stick. They still acted out and threw tantrums. In a nutshell, they were still little kids," she claims.
But it she did everything right, how could the results feel so...wrong? Why wasn't this mummy/fixer able to solve the problem of bad behavior in her young kids?
Maybe it's because little kids (toddlers and preschoolers) aren't supposed to be fixed. Maybe they're the way they are because that's just what nature requires of them.
Mums and dads: are you a fixer? Find out why you may be over doing it for no reason. Learn more on page two!
"It turns out that toddlers and preschoolers aren’t problems that can be fixed. In an effort to thwart their seemingly terrible behavior, I gave them all of me, but they were still all of them. They were little people who are trying to navigate the world. They are children who are learning what is right and what is wrong, how far they can push boundaries and my buttons," writes the fixer/mummy.
"They’re experiencing cause and effect, like what happens when you hit your little brother with a wooden spoon because in your mind he got to add more chocolate chips to the batter than you did. They’re learning and growing and struggling to figure out what their place is in the family and what kind of person they want to grow up to be," she added.
So, by putting all your efforts into fixing your kids, you may be exerting effort that--for the most part--is wasted. Certain behaviors displayed by children of that age is only natural and completely normal. These behaviors may not be something that can be "fixed".
"[C]hildren are not problems to be fixed. They are people to be loved and taught and guided and nurtured. They need a teacher, a mentor, a listening ear, and a warm embrace; not a day where they’re given the moon," she writes.
Parents, you may very well be a fixer as well. And while there's truly nothing wrong with trying to improve the world around you, including your kids, sometimes it's best to take a more laid back approach. If you don't you'll end up tossing and turning in bed wondering how you might be "screwing them up."
The fact of the matter is, you're not. Don't let your fixer mentality manipulate you into thinking you're anything less than a stellar parent. Kids aren't supposed to be fixed. They're supposed to learn. As long as you nurture that idea and mentality, you're fixing them to the best of your ability.
Original article on Scary Mommy
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