I will not lie, the second time I was pregnant, I too was hoping that I have a male child.
We are a normal Indian middle-class family. I have been married for six years and I have been blessed with three beautiful children. My husband has been a nice, caring man all these years. But he has always had a desire -- to have a male child. A desire, I have not been able to fulfill.
I remember five years ago when I had my first baby girl, my husband was happy but hopeful that our next baby would be a boy. He told me, 'Chalo beti pehle aa gayi, par koi baat nahi.'
I was crushed but life went on. He has been a nice dad and there is nothing I can complain about other than the fact that his desire to have a male child makes me feel guilty when I should not be.
The second time, I hoped for a son too
I will not lie; the second time I was pregnant, I too was hoping that I have a male child. Not so much because I had a problem with another girl but more so because I wanted to see him happy.
However, it was not to be. Soon as it was announced that our second child was a girl too, my husband seemed disappointed. Instead of coming and hugging me, he handed the baby to my mother-in-law and went out of the room. That moment was more painful for me than my labour.
But there was nothing in my control. My mother-in-law taunted that I would add to the population even more. I understood that they would want me to have another baby, to try their luck again.
But it was not meant to be
In this day and age, I went for a third baby. I believe everybody in our friend's circle and family could see our desperation for a boy. I admit I was meek too. I thought the only way to elevate my position in the house was to give them their 'heir.'
I feel I should have put my feet down back then only but still, I gave in to pressure and within two years I was pregnant again. My third pregnancy was an uneventful one.
Nobody in the family cared much and even my husband did not treat me the way he did during earlier ones. And finally, when I had a baby girl third time around, my husband's attitude changed suddenly.
There is a change
My husband is still caring towards me but I can feel there is something amiss. He looks dejected and keeps on hinting how having three babies have altered all our future plans.
He is loving towards the girls but does not ever go beyond the call of his duty. I have also noticed that he avoids going out with all of us together. Maybe he is a bit embarrassed about his big all girls' family. This has led to a rift in our life. What should I do?
*Name has been withheld on request
Read: I want to have a baby boy and it has nothing to do with my mentality!