"My mother broke my marriage. I am 36, divorced and alone..."
The bonding that a mother daughter share is stronger than anything. But what this woman went through thanks to her mother, has changed her life and relationship forever.
For most of us, our mothers are our best friends, the ones who teach us all about life, love, care and relationships, who give meaning to the word ‘home,’ and who are truly our first teacher, carer, best friend, and almost first everything.
A mother and her child’s relationship is one of the purest relationships ever, and the bonding that a mother shares with her daughter is even stronger. But what this woman went through in life, thanks to her mother, has finally changed her relationship with her mother forever, even as she sits alone today, depressed, sad, and still shocked at what really happened that made her mother behave the way she did, ruining her daughter and her grandchild’s life forever.
But what this woman went through in life, thanks to her mother, has finally changed her relationship with her mother forever, even as she sits alone today, depressed, sad, and still shocked at what really happened that made her mother behave the way she did, ruining her daughter and her grandchild’s life forever.
Here is her story, in her own words…
My name is Ria*.'
I am 36. I live alone, without my 3-year-old daughter who now lives with her father, without my husband who is now my ex, whom I had married out of love, and had fought the world to be with, who was my best friend, my first and only love, and the man I wanted to grow old with.
I still don’t understand what happened. So let me start from the beginning, maybe you can tell me where I went wrong, and show me a way to make things right again if it is possible.
I was in college when I met my husband, who is now no longer officially my husband. The moment we met, we realized we would be friends for life, even though I know I fell in love with him then and there. We connected on almost all levels, and there was not one thing about our day or our entire lives that we did not want to talk to each other about. If we were not spending all our time in the campus, we would be spending hours on the phone, talking and talking more.
Very soon my parents realized that there was someone in my life and they asked me about it. I told them about Suraj*. As most Indian parents, they wanted to know what the relationship meant and if we were serious. I wanted to speak to Suraj before I made a commitment on his behalf, so I asked him what he thought our relationship would be in future. His answer made me cry.
Instead of taking a moment to think about it, he said that the only reason he was with me all the time was because he saw me in all his future days, that all he wanted was for us to be together! I think it was the best day of my life till then, and I remember that as I started crying, he hugged me and slowly kissed my head. I can still feel that embrace, and I wish things were the same even today.
My mother started dictating terms, but subtly....
We completed our education, got our first jobs and it was time to settle down. That was when we discussed marriage. My mother had always known everything about my relationship, and she had met Suraj many times and told me that she liked him. However, she told me that in order to have a happy married life, money was of huge importance.
She invited Suraj home, and over a cup of tea and snacks, my mother and father explained to him that they trusted him with my happiness, and wanted him to have a particular pay cheque at the end of each month, which would ensure our futures.
Suraj was not earning that much at that point in life, and he said it would take time. So my parents suggested that we should move to a new city after marriage, where the prospects would be better. ‘Instead of starting your life with in-laws and not getting enough space, you will both get enough time to understand each other and spend enough quality time,’ my mother told us.
Suraj was not happy about it, but he realized that this was what I wanted, and decided to go ahead with it. I will be honest now, even I didn’t know if this was really what I wanted, but just because my mother said it would make us happy, I completely agreed with whatever she said.
We moved to a new city and I was very happy, but I could see that Suraj was badly missing his parents. And in reality, his parents were really nice and simple folks, definitely not like the typical Indian in-laws. I liked them and they loved me too, but because I was not experienced in any of this, I blindly followed whatever my mother told me to do.
In the next few months, I could see Suraj turning unhappy, and I told him that if he felt the prospects would be better in our hometown, we should shift back. I remember how happy he was that day, and we made love that night just like our initial days together, happy and without any worries.
My in-laws were actually nice, but I failed to realize it...
We moved back and with my in-laws and I was happy, but soon my mother started telling me how much she missed me. She would cry over the phone, and ask me to meet. As I was working, I could not make it during the week, so I started visiting her every weekend. But when I said I would leave at night, she would always ask me to stay back and start crying.
Soon I started spending all my weekends with my parents, without my husband. I know I was terribly wrong, but then, I did not realize it at all, and I felt that as a daughter, this was definitely the right thing to do. And in the bargain, I forgot my role as a wife.
My baby was born, and I had her at my parents’ place, as by then my mother had told me that my in-laws were incapable of handling me and my child, and that according to them, my husband was not earning enough, and those in our circle were making fun of my life choices. I didn’t like listening to all this, so I thought the best way to make everyone happy would be to spend enough time at my parents’ place so that they could see I was actually happy.
My husband never complained
My husband never complained, but I don’t remember when he stopped visiting my parents completely, and when he started getting so busy at work that he almost stopped coming home during waking hours. Things were difficult as a mother, and I was finding it hard to balance home, motherhood, and work, and honestly, I don’t remember when was the last time I got intimate with my husband after having the baby.
I was always tired and shuttling between office, my in-law's place, and my parents’ place, and I completely stopped giving any time or attention to myself. I wore old and shapeless clothes, barely combed my hair, and didn’t use even a touch of makeup. I was not very presentable back then, and now that I think of my appearance then, I think I was always shabby.
Things turned really bad at home, and my husband told me that he wanted me to stop visiting my parents. I was shocked! I told him this was not possible, so he told me to choose between him and my mother. I took my baby and left for my parents’ place, and once there, my mother told me that I did the right thing.
Divorce! That dreaded D word that finished me...
The divorce papers arrived after a few months. My parents told me they would take care of it, and they were the ones who handled the lawyers and everything and told me not to get in touch with my husband in any way, even if he tried calling me. I again listened to my mother and did not get in touch with the man I had loved, and still loved.
The final verdict – I got the divorce, I lost custody of my daughter, I moved into a rented apartment, I live absolutely alone, I am under medication for severe depression, I have no friends, I don’t go out anywhere, and I don’t even visit my parents anymore.
I am really and truly alone.
I trusted my mother to be my best friend, my best guide and my best teacher. But tell me, where did I go wrong? Can anyone please help me understand what I did wrong, and if there is any chance of getting back with my husband and daughter? I still love him as I did from the start, and maybe even more.
All the names have been changed to protect the identity of the person who shared the story with the author.
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