Dear sweet baby,
I’m watching you sleep right now. It’s one of my favourite things to do, but it wasn’t easy to get you to take a nap. You cried for an hour, and then I cried with you because I was just that tired; and by some miracle, you fell asleep.
My mum warned me that there would be days like these when I would feel like I’m the worst mum in the world. That I’ll question my mothering skills just because you chose to be fussy right before bath time, or because a mummy friend of mine commented that you’re a “tad bit small” for your age on a photo of you that I posted.
Why is it that other mums seem to be doing everything perfectly, except me? Why is it that it seems like they’re all having such a wonderfully happy time, not tired and grumpy, like me? Am I the only one who’s not doing this whole mothering thing well?
Don’t get me wrong, sweetie. You are my light, and my love for you is bigger than the universe. But my life was turned upside down when I had you.
Simple things like eating, sleeping, or taking a shower that’s longer than two minutes now feels like a luxury. Being away from you to go to work or to even just going to the next room makes me feel so guilty that I cry.
Before I had you, I had all the time in the world to meet my friends, watch a movie, or have a quiet dinner out. But nowadays, I’m lucky enough if I get to sneak in a few minutes of alone time to watch a video or read on my phone. And those minutes already feel like a vacation.
I don’t remember the last time the house was spotless. I don’t remember if I brushed my hair today. I don’t remember how it’s like to not have three cups of tea to keep me alive until noon.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing enough, if I’m good enough for you. I worry if you’re eating well, if I’m giving you a bath correctly, or if I should be playing with you more or reading more books to you. I feel so pressured sometimes that I feel like I’m going to break down.
I knew my life would change when I became a mum, but I didn’t expect everything to change. And I wasn’t quite ready for the changes that came with having you.
I look at you now as you’re sleeping, and I wonder, how can a teeny tiny human being control my whole life? How can one single person make me change everything about myself?
And it hits me like a fluffy ton of bricks: it’s so simply because I love you.
And by some miracle, despite all my shortcomings as a mum, you love me right back.
My dear, sweet baby, thank you for shattering everything I used to know about love and showing me what it really is – messes, smiles, touches, tears, laughter, and all.
Even now that my world has been turned upside down and I sometimes feel like I can’t do it anymore, your love and trust, so pure, keeps me going.
Your calls to me, and only me, make me get up in the middle of the night to feed you even if I’d rather sleep, in the same way that it’s your happy smile and little laugh that keep me home to read you one more book, even if I’m already running late for work.
I love you so much that all the things that I miss about my old self—including my flat tummy and sleep! —I would gladly say goodbye to forever, if it means that you’d be proud and happy to have me as your mum.
And I do feel that you are proud of me. Well, you can’t say so right now (I love it when you try though), but the way you look into my eyes with all the faith in the world and smile; or that big warm hug, say more than words ever can.
For all my faults, my love, forgive me. I’m sorry that I whine sometimes that things should be different, or I wish out loud that you’d be more well behaved. I’m sorry that I get caught up with worrying if I am a perfect mother for you, if you’re hitting every milestone that you should be hitting, rather than being in the moment.
I’m sorry for not being all there for you. But, I’m here now.
I now know that you come first, everything else comes second—a very far second. And, that being the perfect mom is no longer important for me. Just the way Baby Dove believes that there is no right or wrong way of being a mom. I am going to trust my instincts and believe that I am doing the best for you today and always. I am going to trust my way and encourage every mom to do so as well!
So the next time this happens—when I’m feeling all sad, missing who I was before I had you, I’ll go back to this one simple truth: that my life is infinitely better now, with you in it, defining my truth.
Thank you, sweet one, for turning my world upside down and for showing me what it means to be a real mom
Forever yours,
Mum
Baby Dove believes that there are no perfect mums, just real ones.
Learn about the newly launched Baby Dove Rich Moisture range on dove.com/babydove.
