I have been married for ten years now. A decade and two kids later, my marriage is pretty much what it is expected to be at this stage – routine bordering on boring!
Well, let me explain, my husband and I have, over the years gotten so busy with the mundane responsibilities of life that we hardly take out time for each other. A gap, I have often felt and even tried to work upon. We have sex but that is usually when my husband’s libido perhaps needs an outlet. Things such as stolen kisses, spontaneous cuddling, thoughtful hugs, heck even compliments is something I often crave for.
I have dressed sexily
Is watching porn together a good idea?There are times when I have tried to bridge this gap between need and want and have tried to make the first move. ; I have done the flowers and candles in the room routine but often my hints are not paid attention to. I admit I am guilty of not going all out and seducing my man but that is perhaps because I am pretty old school. I have never quite felt at ease about owning up my needs or demanding it.
Call it my middle-class Indian upbringing but I am not even sure if my husband would be more shocked than surprised if I were the one to take matters in control in bed instead of in the kitchen!
Last year though, something happened that shook the belief system I was brought up with. I discovered that my husband on an international trip broke that boring but solid bond between us. He had a one-night stand with a girl he met at his hotel bar. I wouldn’t have known this unless he wasn’t careless enough to leave a pack of ‘male protective armour’ in his luggage.
I felt like a maid...
While unpacking I literally and completely felt like a maid who had just discovered her masters’ dirty secret. Hours of crying, bawling, self-blaming later when I confronted him the reply came cold and curt – ‘I am sorry. It was my first and last time. Let’s not discuss it ever, for the sake of our growing girls.’
I never discussed it again. There was no point. Whether or not it happened before or will happen again is insubstantial in the face of one glaring fact – it happened.
I stayed back in the marriage, call me a coward but I didn’t know how to confront the world and my kids with this brutal stab in my stomach. I made peace with the fact that my life now is not just boring but also bitter. I battled depression with little or no help from my husband. He acted as if nothing ever happened while I lived day in and day out with this horrible feeling within me.
A couple of months ago for the first time in all this one year, I broke down in front of another man and confided in him the hollowness of my marriage. That guy is my husband’s best friend. Let’s call him A.
A often visits our home even while my husband is away on tours to pick and drop our kids who attend dance classes together. Some times A and I have spent an hour or two chatting in coffee shops as we waited for our kids to finish their classes. Our acquaintance mellowed into friendship and A would sometimes drop in late at night or even when the kids were at their grandparents just to have a drink and chat.
I really needed a shoulder to cry on...
Up till now our little secret was only about those small visits in my husband’s absence but one day I really needed a shoulder to cry on and A was more than chivalrous to offer his. He not only listened to my sob story but also assured me how attractive I was and how short-sighted my husband was.
I think he lied, but it felt good. I cried some more, he assured me some more until it was time for him to confess. He told me he was attracted to me and has always been; it took me a few minutes to assimilate the emotions.
That day something more happened. We let go of all our inhibitions and we made love. Wild, unapologetic and extremely gratifying is how I would describe my physical encounter with him. He left later that night but instead of feeling ashamed I felt elated. Instead of talking to my husband guiltily when he called I spoke with a rare confidence. I began dressing up for myself… or for A, I am not sure but it felt good.
After a long time, I feel happy about myself. I have not met A alone after that day. Well, you guessed it right; my husband hasn’t been on a trip since then.
I don't feel guilty...
Honestly, I am looking forward to another episode of being a cheating wife. I hate myself for not feeling guilty. Is it because what I have done can be called revenge sex? The fact that A is single, lessens my burden to a great extent. But I cannot deny that this is the dirtiest secret of my life… and I am looking forward to carrying it further.
I need advise… do I nip my romance in the bud and go through another episode of depression or do I carry on this sinful relationship because well, my husband doesn’t deserve any better?
The writer’s name has been withheld on request
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